Comic for September 18, 2011
18 hours ago
I happened to see a poster of some Kannada film called "Uyyale" with the caption "the father feeling", also adding "ತಾಯಿ ಪ್ರೀತಿ ದೊಡ್ಡದು, ತಂದೆ ಪ್ರೀತಿ ಕಾಣದು". I am amazed by the ever increasing dumbness of movie names and (most of the times irrelevant and unnecessary) captions. Instead of getting into a rant, I was amused by imagining what some classic world movies would have turned into, if they had fallen into the hands of these Kannada film industry folks.
Goodfellas
ಗ್ಯಾಂಗು, ಗನ್ನು, ಗರ್ಲ್ಸ್...ಹಾಗು ಗುಲ್ಡು ನನ್ ಮಕ್ಳು
Godfather
ಈ ಆಫರ್ ತಕೋ ಇಲ್ಲ ಅಂದ್ರೆ ಕಳಚ್ಕೋ
Godfather
ಈ ಆಫರ್ ತಕೋ ಇಲ್ಲ ಅಂದ್ರೆ ಕಳಚ್ಕೋ
Inception
ಡ್ರೀಮ್ ಒಳ್ಗೊಂದ್ ಡ್ರೀಮ್ ಒಳ್ಗೊಂದ್ ಡ್ರೀಮ್ ಒಳ್ಗೊಂದ್ ಡ್ರೀಮ್ ಒಳ್ಗೊಂದ್ ಡ್ರೀಮು
Basic Instinct
ತೆರೆದಿದೆ ಮನೆ ಓ ಬಾ ಅತಿಥಿ
Y Tu Mama Tambien
ಏಯ್ ನಿಮ್ಮವ್ವನ್...
Pulp Fiction
ಮೊದಲ್ನೇ ಸಲ ದೇವ್ರಾಣೆ ಅರ್ಥ ಆಗಲ್ಲ ಮಚ್ಚಾ
Schindlers List
ಸಾಯ್ಸೋನು ಸಣ್ಣವನು ದಯಾವಂತ ದೊಡ್ಡೋನು
12 Angry Men
ಕನ್ವಿನ್ಸ್ ಮಾಡ್ತೀರ ಇಲ್ಲ ಕನ್ವಿನ್ಸ್ ಆಗ್ತೀರ...?
Casablanca
ಪ್ಯಾರಿಸ್ ಲಿ ಪ್ರೇಮ...ಮೊರೊಕ್ಕೋ ಲಿ ಮಾನವೀಯತೆ...
Dial M For Murder
ಕಾಲ್ ಎತ್ತಿದರೆ ಖಲ್ಲಾಸ್ ಆಗೋಗ್ತೀಯ ಕಣೆ
The Silence of the Lambs
ಮೇಯೋ ಮೇಕೆಗೆ ಮಿರ್ಚಿ ಮಸಾಲೆ
ಮೇಯೋ ಮೇಕೆಗೆ ಮಿರ್ಚಿ ಮಸಾಲೆ
Memento
ರುಚ್ಚಪಿ ಲ್ಟಉ ದುಇ
ರುಚ್ಚಪಿ ಲ್ಟಉ ದುಇ
American History X
ಕುಲದಲ್ಲಿ ಕೀಳ್ಯಾವುದೋ ಹುಚ್ಚಪ್ಪಾ...
Reservoir Dogs
ಕಳ್ತನ ಮಾಡ್ತೀವಿ...ಆದ್ರೆ ಕಂತ್ರಿತನ ಸಹಿಸಲ್ಲ...
Singin In The Rain
ಮಳೆಯ ತನನನ...ಪ್ರೇಮ ಗಾಯನ...
Titanic
ಹಡಗೂ ನಿನ್ನದೇ...ಕಡಲೂ ನಿನ್ನದೇ...ಮುಳುಗದಿರಲಿ ಬದುಕು...
Gandhi
ರಾಹುಲ್ಲೂ ಅಲ್ಲ...ರಾಜೀವೂ ಅಲ್ಲ...
It is quite funny reading the expert opinions and predictions leading to the World Cup.
Scene of the crime: Some sports channel
One of the experts starts off: “India are very strong contenders to win the World Cup. And don’t forget, South Africa, Sri Lanka and Australia can also fancy their chances. Pakistan and West Indies, though unpredictable, can topple any team on their day”. The commentator is not too different from all those TV astrologers we love to ridicule.
Some ex-cricketer joins the fun: “I agree India are a very strong side. Especially at home. The crowd will get behind the team and act as the 12th man. This encouragement should spur them up”
Another one (someone whose qualifications for being on the panel are unknown) disagrees: “Indian team has the expectation of a billion fans. They should make sure they don’t get pressurized. Since this is a long tournament, they should guard themselves against injuries” (I know there are more than a billion Indians, but I am excluding the smug ones who make statements like ‘You still follow cricket? I stopped watching in 2003 itself’)
The ex-cricketer begs to differ: “They are professionals. Pressure and injuries are part and parcel of the game. So it should not matter”
******
Meanwhile, Ravi Shastri will be thinking as to which of these should be the opening lines of the first presentation ceremony.
“Today we witnessed a spectacular game of cricket”
“What an absorbing day of play that has been”
“What a cracker of a match we had today”
“Ladies and gentlemen, today more than 650 runs were scored in front of this fantastic crowd”.
There will be plenty of “the last thing that India now needs is a run out”, “this is just what the doctor ordered”, “that went like a rocket to the fence”, “I just get the feeling he has been sold a dummy here” as well.
Arun Lal will be wondering which of his lines should qualify for the “most obvious statement of the year”:
“If you hit the ball over the ropes, you are bound to score 6 runs”.
“If you don’t lose wickets, keep ticking ones and twos, score boundaries of bad balls, you will eventually win the match”.
“When a throw hits the stumps, if you are outside the crease, you are gonna be declared run out my friend”
******
Commentators will prepare themselves of what they need to say based on the event and the result.
Event: Bowler keeps bowling wicket to wicket
Result: He dismisses the batsman
Comment: He hardly gave any width. He tied the batsman and made them do something different. And got his reward for his discipline.
Event: Bowler keeps bowling wicket to wicket
Result: He does not get a wicket, gives lot of runs
Comment: He was predictable and the batsmen cashed in once they got their eye in and got used to the pitch. Pathetic bowling, the bowler should have mixed it up!
Event: Bowler keeps experimenting
Result: He does not get a wicket, gives lot of runs
Comment:He tried too many things. He did not stick to a plan and did not bowl to his field. He should have bowled wicket to wicket.
Event: Batsman attacks from ball one
Result: He scores a quickfire century
Comment: He took the attack to the opposition and just went after the bowling. He never allowed them to settle and disrupted their plans.
Event: Batsman attacks from ball one
Result: Gets out early
Comment: That was pre-meditated. He should have got used to the pace of the pitch before he went on the offensive. Irresponsible batting that.
******
Not just these, there will be more. Even with so much crap around, I will read each and every article about cricket I stumble upon. When a match is on, I will refresh the cricinfo page before the auto refresh can kick in. I will run over to the office TV room to catch the glimpse of a wicket or the 100th run. I will try to get the latest score over my mobile at the traffic signal. Some things will never change. As I was telling a friend this week, the cricket loving youngster in you never quite grows up!
Scene of the crime: Some sports channel
One of the experts starts off: “India are very strong contenders to win the World Cup. And don’t forget, South Africa, Sri Lanka and Australia can also fancy their chances. Pakistan and West Indies, though unpredictable, can topple any team on their day”. The commentator is not too different from all those TV astrologers we love to ridicule.
Some ex-cricketer joins the fun: “I agree India are a very strong side. Especially at home. The crowd will get behind the team and act as the 12th man. This encouragement should spur them up”
Another one (someone whose qualifications for being on the panel are unknown) disagrees: “Indian team has the expectation of a billion fans. They should make sure they don’t get pressurized. Since this is a long tournament, they should guard themselves against injuries” (I know there are more than a billion Indians, but I am excluding the smug ones who make statements like ‘You still follow cricket? I stopped watching in 2003 itself’)
The ex-cricketer begs to differ: “They are professionals. Pressure and injuries are part and parcel of the game. So it should not matter”
******
Meanwhile, Ravi Shastri will be thinking as to which of these should be the opening lines of the first presentation ceremony.
“Today we witnessed a spectacular game of cricket”
“What an absorbing day of play that has been”
“What a cracker of a match we had today”
“Ladies and gentlemen, today more than 650 runs were scored in front of this fantastic crowd”.
There will be plenty of “the last thing that India now needs is a run out”, “this is just what the doctor ordered”, “that went like a rocket to the fence”, “I just get the feeling he has been sold a dummy here” as well.
Arun Lal will be wondering which of his lines should qualify for the “most obvious statement of the year”:
“If you hit the ball over the ropes, you are bound to score 6 runs”.
“If you don’t lose wickets, keep ticking ones and twos, score boundaries of bad balls, you will eventually win the match”.
“When a throw hits the stumps, if you are outside the crease, you are gonna be declared run out my friend”
******
Commentators will prepare themselves of what they need to say based on the event and the result.
Event: Bowler keeps bowling wicket to wicket
Result: He dismisses the batsman
Comment: He hardly gave any width. He tied the batsman and made them do something different. And got his reward for his discipline.
Event: Bowler keeps bowling wicket to wicket
Result: He does not get a wicket, gives lot of runs
Comment: He was predictable and the batsmen cashed in once they got their eye in and got used to the pitch. Pathetic bowling, the bowler should have mixed it up!
Event: Bowler keeps experimenting
Result: He does not get a wicket, gives lot of runs
Comment:He tried too many things. He did not stick to a plan and did not bowl to his field. He should have bowled wicket to wicket.
Event: Batsman attacks from ball one
Result: He scores a quickfire century
Comment: He took the attack to the opposition and just went after the bowling. He never allowed them to settle and disrupted their plans.
Event: Batsman attacks from ball one
Result: Gets out early
Comment: That was pre-meditated. He should have got used to the pace of the pitch before he went on the offensive. Irresponsible batting that.
******
Not just these, there will be more. Even with so much crap around, I will read each and every article about cricket I stumble upon. When a match is on, I will refresh the cricinfo page before the auto refresh can kick in. I will run over to the office TV room to catch the glimpse of a wicket or the 100th run. I will try to get the latest score over my mobile at the traffic signal. Some things will never change. As I was telling a friend this week, the cricket loving youngster in you never quite grows up!
We had a great vacation at Rajasthan last week. I will not be writing in detail about the places, since wikitravel does a better job at that. I will just jot down some of my experiences/thoughts during this trip.
***
The first thing that strikes you once you are in Rajasthan is the "color". Blood red, dark pink, bright yellow, vibrant hues of blue and green - you feel as though they finished playing holi just before you arrived. It seems the people here, with their dressing sense, art and music, more than compensate for the arid, barren, vast spaces of nothingness. It is one place in the world where you can wear the gaudiest Govinda dress without the fear of a fashion faux pas.
***
Color is very important to a Rajasthani. They have different colors for different occasions - the birth of a child, the mourning of a death, the ending of a mourning, for holi, for diwali. Innumerable types of turbans are worn, each distinctly representing the wearer's caste, sub caste, the region he belongs to etc. A trained eye can figure out a lot looking at a stranger's turban wearing style and color. Example, "Look at that Gujjar, looks like he just had a son" or "Looks like somebody died in that Banjara's house". Remember how we measured the resistors using color code? (B B Roy of Great Britain had a Very Good Wife)
***
The audio guides in most places were good - it was excellent in Mehrangarh fort, Jodhpur; good in Jaisalmer and Bikaner; the only exception being Amer fort in Jaipur. Though aimed mainly at international tourists, it was informative and done very professionally. The reason I said international is because a simple statement like "Rama blessed Hanuman" would become "Rama, an avatar of Vishnu, one of the principal Hindu Gods, blessed Hanuman, the monkey God". Got it right? Like some of you bloggers who write, "A sumptuous meal in Kamat would cost you just Rs. 110" without forgetting to add "approx. 2.683 USD, as on 13/12/2010*" in the brackets.
***
In Rajasthan, art is an integral part of life. Intricate paintings, delicate stone work, done with so much craft and finesse, make their presence feel everywhere. Go to any shop and you can hear the shopkeeper say - "This carpet work is fully hand woven, it takes 6 months to finish one piece" or "This 6X6 miniature painting takes 4 months". Intricate art was perhaps the early desert man's way of ensuring job security. You get orders for making 100 razaai or 200 paintings, and you have a secure job till retirement.
***
During our college days, we used to call our dear friend Avins as "onte" because of his height. Though the camels stand a few feet short compared to him, the tall, good natured, calm, composed, uncomplicated desert ships reminded me of him.
***
I have a big problem with Hindi speaking people interchangeably using "da" and "ra" (like "bari" and "badi" for big; "lori" and "lodi" for lullaby) Imagine my plight when we went to see "Saheliyon ki Baari" and the board read "Saheliyon ki Baadi". Even a half pervert mind would interpret it as getting physical with girlfriends. I am damn sure most North Indians will find it amusing when Laura Linney introduces herself. On a similar note, I am very scared of any Tamilian singing "Lambi judaai" :)
***
If you go to a restaurant in Rajasthan, dont ask "What do you have in dessert?" You may get the answer as "Sand dunes, camels,..." So adopt a safe approach and ask "What do you have in ice creams or milkshakes?"
Can you remember the first French word you had learnt? I can. Let me take a guess about you, was it "Bonjour", "Monsieur", "Mademoiselle", "Au Revoir"? If you say yes, I can safely assume that you were the novel-reading types and you must have read these in a dozen fiction novels where the protagonist travels all over Europe trying to escape from KGB, MI6, CIA or trying to uncover some deadly conspiracy against all odds. I am equally sure that you would have pronounced them in your mind like how you would pronounce an English word. Only later, you would have known that "Mademoiselle" sounds like "memmozee" or "au revoir" sounds like "avva".
If you were not the novel-reading types, in the post-cable-tv-pre-Internet era, there was only one way to get your basic French education - Fashion TV. You had to tolerate horrendously dressed zombies to catch a rare episode of Rio Carnival. I need not say that most of the times it was watched on Mute, so that the elders would not figure out the rate of erosion of Indian culture and values. It was then we came to know about "Michael Adam presents"...and then "Lingerie". And like our novel-reading siblings, we had assumed that it was pronounced the way it was written (only after many years, on one of the Non-mute occasions, we realized that it was pronounced something like "lawn-sje-ray". More weird the accent, more authentic your French is!)
On my way to Mysore (more than a decade after the first French education), imagine my joy when I see this on a wall. Somewhere in this world, even today, there are people who pronounce it the way I used to. Isn't it strange that we humans can relate to each other in the most unusual scenarios?
P.S: My most favorite word though is "Oui". I love the way the women say that in French movies!
I always find it amusing to imagine Shankaracharya, Madhvacharya and Ramanujacharya standing forming a triangle inside a circular ground. Ennio Morricone score in the background. Slow long shots of each one, followed by close up of each of their eyes.
Then, Ramanujacharya mutters to Madhvacharya - "Seems like you are one entity short" (followed by guffaws from Ramanujacharya's followers in the background)
Silence for 30 secs. And Shankaracharya slowly tells Ramanujacharya - "Looks like you got two too many" (followed by eerie silence and then heavy duty music from Morricone)
So here it is, the last one in the series...
A colleague of mine used to ask other colleagues whether they are "smart" or "mad". In case you have not guessed, it was her short form for Smartas and Madhvas!
Okay, Madhvas need not feel bad. Smartas have a bigger problem. Anyone returning from abroad with a fake accent will ask them "Are you smartas?" and it is an interesting way to stop people from acting oversmart ;)
So presenting the next one in the series: Dvaita...
So presenting the next one in the series: Dvaita...
I admit that my knowledge of UML as well as Hindu philosophy is very basic. So any discrepancy in terms of UML or philosophical concepts will not be totally unexpected. I am planning to do this series for different schools, here I am starting off with Advaita first.
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